stained glass
by acronymed
Summary: 02. The twins discover mistletoe. Tamaki is understandably horrified. — Hikaru/Haruhi/Kaoru.
1. the key to timing

**A/N: **Dear Fandom, thank you for being absolutely insane. An out-of-season Christmas drabble for the Host Club. I haven't caught up in the manga yet, so I'm basing all my personalities off the anime.  
**NOTE:** This is the beginning of a drabble collection from me. Most drabbles will be Twins/Haruhi-centric, but I will throw in some Host Club insanity (like this drabble) because, well, it's the Host Club. How can you not include them?  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing but the plot, which is nothing to be proud of. Really.  
**Summary: **In which Tamaki is in a festive mood and Haruhi, shockingly enough, is not. But that might just be because of the elf outfit. Stupidity ensues.  
**Word Count:** 1, 181

01— **the key to timing.**

"Oh, Haruhi-kun looks so cute!" One girl squealed, hands clasped in front of her. "Just like an elf!"

"That's… kind of the point," Haruhi said blandly, fighting back a blush as she glowered at the twins from across the room. Hikaru smirked at her and Kaoru waggled his fingers in a mock wave before they launched into their act. _Damn rich bastards. Always have to get their way…_

"Do you not like your outfit?" Another girl asked, eyes wide. Haruhi leaned back slightly as the girl swooped towards her. Truth be told, the elf ensemble was probably the most comfortable outfit she'd ever been given in all her time with the Host Club. Of course, that was only because it was the one that covered least. Haruhi could only silently thank God that there had been tights thrown in, even if they were the most blinding shade of green she'd ever seen.

"Yes, Haruhi," Kyoya suddenly interrupted, seemingly appearing from out of nowhere. "Do you not enjoy the outfit that we were provided with for a small fee?"

He was getting that eerie look on his face again. Haruhi shook her head furiously as he pushed his glasses up on his nose. "Of course not, Shad— I mean, Kyoya-senpai. It's… great," she said tightly, staring daggers at the twins.

"Excellent," the taller boy replied, smiling superficially at the girls flocking him on either side. "Enjoy your time here at the Host Club, ladies."

One girl swooned as he walked away. "He's so dreamy!"

Haruhi choked on her tea and decided that everyone at Ouran was obviously insane.

_At least it can't get any worse, _she thought absently, as the girls sat back down again. _I am already wearing this awful outfit, after all._

"Where's my little helper!?" Tamaki shouted from across the room. Haruhi groaned and slumped down further in her seat, hoping he wouldn't see her. This, of course, meant he saw her straight away.

"There you are!" The senior pushed his way through the crowd, dressed in a ridiculous red Santa suit, and pulled Haruhi to her feet. "Haruhi!" he beamed, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and turning her towards the crowd of girls that had formed. "It is your job as Santa's little helper to aid me in giving each lovely girl here the thing she desires most!"

Haruhi stared at Tamaki. "Eh?"

Tamaki's features brightened. Clutching Haruhi to his side as if she were a lifeline, he swept an arm out in front of him and announced, "Every girl here shall get the chance to enjoy our company for free once this semester!"

Haruhi's stomach dropped somewhere in the direction of the floor. "_Our_ company, Senpai?"

Tamaki laughed. "Of course! It'll be a Christmas special! As Kaoru and Hikaru use one another to entertain, _we_ shall use each other to entertain!" He crushed Haruhi to his chest and spun several times. "Won't that be fun?"

"_Mother in Heaven."_

As the excitement over Tamaki's announcement died down, a shadow loomed behind them. Both Haruhi and Tamaki glanced up in time to see Kyoya towering over them, looking rather displeased. "Tamaki," he said darkly, "we didn't discuss this."

"I'm sorry Mother," Tamaki apologized pitifully. "But, the goal of the Host Club is to make these girls so ecstatic they can do nothing but worship me!"

_There are so many things wrong with that sentence, _Haruhi mused, shaking her head. From the corner of her eye, she could see Hikaru and Kaoru heading straight for them, identical scowls on their faces.

"Why is Haruhi hosting with someone!?"

"Because you cannot separate the bonds of true love!" Tamaki shouted. A second later, he paled. "In a strictly Father-Daughter way! With hugs and platonic bonding and cute moments and family reunions!"

Haruhi didn't appear to have noticed his slip-up. And if she did, she didn't care. "Because I'm in Hell," she told the twins with a groan. They stopped staring at Tamaki and looked down at her instead, lower lips jutting out.

"Our poor toy," they drawled in unison.

"She should come host with us, instead," Kaoru suggested. "Threesomes are very taboo."

"As is incest," Tamaki ground out, glowering at the two redheads. "Which, if I recall, is exactly what you two are doing already, so why should Haruhi host with you?"

"Because," Hikaru elaborated, fingers trailing over the nape of Haruhi's neck. "Incest is taboo enough. But we're twins, and if we were in a threesome…" He trailed off, shooting Kyoya, who actually looked like he was considering their offer, a casual look. "Well, that would just be the biggest taboo of them all."

Tamaki coloured. "Mum!" he said without removing his glare from the twins. A few girls looked around, confused as to who he was referring to. "Help me! These hooligans are trying to take Haruhi away from me."

_I wonder what I should cook for dinner, _Haruhi thought absently as the twins both nuzzled her and argued with Tamaki. _Nothing green, that's for sure. _

She cast a quick look at Tamaki.

_Or red. Definitely nothing red. _

"Alright," Kyoya finally said, looking up at the three squabbling boys. "I've come to a conclusion as to what we should do."

"What!?"

"Nothing," was Kyoya's response. "Haruhi will continue hosting on her own. Tamaki, you will let each and every one of these girls here know that you are in fact, not going to be hosting with Haruhi, but that they still get one session free of charge."

"But, why can't Haruhi host with us?" The twins wailed, clutching at Haruhi pathetically. The brunette sighed.

"Because if he joins you, it may be," Kyoya's glasses glinted dangerously, "_too_ taboo for our clients' tastes."

"Why can't Haruhi host with _me_ then?" Tamaki sobbed, wrenching her away from the twins grip and into his chest. "It wouldn't be taboo!"

"Incest," the twins reminded him. Tamaki sobbed some more and hugged Haruhi tighter.

"Haruhi is immune to your, ah, _feminine wiles_," Kyoya said, poker faced. The twins snickered. "There would be no chemistry between you and there would therefore be no entertainment."

Haruhi wriggled free of Tamaki's grip and slunk back towards her table where the girl who'd asked her if she didn't like her outfit was still sitting, gaping at the scene before her. "I'm sorry," Haruhi sighed as Tamaki began running around frantically in search of her. "I hope we haven't scared you."

The girl shook her head wordlessly. Haruhi groaned as the twins joined Tamaki in his search. "I can't be that hard to spot," she muttered. "I'm the only person wearing green."

"What is Tamaki-san doing?" The girl finally asked, after a long pause, staring past Haruhi. Turning her head, the brunette found herself witnessing yet another one of Tamaki's finest moments.

"He's brooding."

"…in the corner?"

"It's the best place to grow mushrooms."

"Well that makes sense!" The girl said brightly. "Now, you were saying something about being a lawyer before Tamaki-san came over?"

Haruhi could only gawk at her. _Insane, _she decided. _They're all absolutely insane._


	2. equilateral triangles

**A/N: **More out of season Christmas crack! I love twins/Haruhi, so :3  
**NOTE:** All personalities are based off the anime, as I haven't caught up in the manga.  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing but the plot.  
**Summary:** The twins discover mistletoe; Tamaki is horrified.  
**WARNING:** Major stupidity. This is the Host Club we're talking about.  
**Word Count: **1, 501

02— **equilateral triangles.**

"Well, that went well," Hikaru said, draping himself over Haruhi as Mori closed the doors behind the last few girls. "I especially loved the part where my lord ran around like a chicken with his head cut off looking for you when you were sitting right next to him."

"You ran around too," Haruhi replied flatly. "Did you honestly think you were going to find me in _the piano?"_

Hikaru's cheeks turned pink. "No," he grumbled. "I was just playing along."

"He panicked," Kaoru explained, flanking Haruhi's other side. "Hikaru turns into my lord when he panics. It's great."

"Shut up."

"Now we can celebrate properly!" Hunny exclaimed, rocking back and forth on his heels, Bun-Bun pressed against his chest. "We have to give gifts first!"

Kaoru and Hikaru exchanged looks before staring down at Haruhi with identical smirks. Haruhi looked at them apprehensively; the glint in their eyes was making her uneasy. "Us first!" They declared. Kaoru rushed over to the vase near the doors and pulled something out.

"We found it in that box of decorations you brought," Hikaru mumbled, nose pressed against her hair now. "Thought it'd be useful."

When he turned away slightly to glance back at Kaoru, Tamaki pounced. Haruhi felt herself crushed between two chests as Tamaki tried to pry Hikaru's practiced and perfected made-of-steel grip off of her.

_Kill me, _Haruhi thought as Tamaki and Hikaru started playing 'Tug-O-Haruhi'. They went back and forth for a few seconds, Kaoru lurking cautiously in the background, shooting Haruhi apologetic glances. Just when she thought she might be ripped in two, Mori interfered, lifting her away from them easily and putting her on his shoulder.

Of course, without The United Nations of Haruhi keeping them apart, Tamaki and Hikaru choose to wager World War III right there in the middle of the music room. Instead of celebrating Christmas and love and friends and the gift of giving with each other.

Tamaki shoved Hikaru's head down while the redhead put the King's arm in a headlock.

Kaoru figured, yes, Hikaru was indeed going to Hell and, no, he would not be joining him.

Kyoya decided that if they broke anything, he'd just add it to Haruhi's debt; he was in a giving mood.

Haruhi wondered when they were going to start pulling out the nuclear 'she's mine!' bombs and 'I refuse to let you taint her!' land mines. Maybe even some 'Haruhiiiiiii' gas.

Hunny just wanted presents.

Mori's shoulder was beginning to go numb.

Tamaki started using his 'Mum, help me here!' Kung-Fu, but failed miserably because Kyoya had stopped paying attention to the scuffle long before it'd even started and had suddenly developed a rather severe case of selective hearing. Hikaru opted to pull Kaoru into the mess of flailing limbs and... Were those bite marks? Haruhi squinted as the slightly saner twin backed a safe distance away from the two teens, effectively halting his twin's 'Which one is Hikaru?' Quick Attack.

Yes, those were definitely bite marks. She couldn't help it; she snorted.

"This is getting ridiculous," Kaoru said, edging towards them. Mori decided Haruhi was safe with the younger Hitachiin and set her down on her feet, subtly rolling his shoulder. Haruhi observed the mass of teenage boys rolling on the floor.

"It got ridiculous back when I started giving them attack names."

"Tell me?"

"I'd rather not. By the way," she tilted her head to look up at him. He peered down at her innocently. "You mentioned something about giving me a gift?"

She regretted saying it almost the minute it'd come out of her mouth. Kaoru's expression turned devilish as he raised one arm, the other wrapping around her. "Yes, I think we did," he agreed, dangling the sprig of mistletoe above her. Haruhi muffled her whine with her sleeve. His grin widened. "Ha-ru-_hi_," he pleaded, "it's a tradition!"

"I wish it weren't," she griped. Sighing, she continued, "Well, are you going to give me my present or not?"

"Greeeeeedy," Kaoru sang, grinning, before he leaned down and—

Was blindsided by a whirl of blond _and_ red. Apparently Tamaki and Hikaru had tag-teamed in order to prevent the only semi-normal one of the three of them from 'tainting' Haruhi. Kaoru rubbed his head and grunted in pain as he got to his feet. "Uhm," he winced, "_ow._"

Tamaki struck a victory pose. "That's what you get for trying to defile my Daughter, you horrible cretin! You shall never lay a hand on Haruhi for as long as we breathe! Isn't that right, my faithful minion?" Turning to his left, he looked expectantly at Hikaru.

Who was on the other side of the room. With Haruhi. And the mistletoe.

Tamaki stared in abject horror as Hikaru angled his head down towards the doe-eyed teen, lips parting slightly.

Kaoru blinked. "Damn it; I'm going to have to do his homework for a week."

The sound of the twin's voice snapped Tamaki out of his stupor. "No!"

Dashing forward, he neatly tackled Hikaru and continued World War III: Act Two, Scene One.

Haruhi slid down the wall and massaged her temples. Kaoru crouched down next to her and rubbed her neck soothingly. "Want to try again? Hunny's getting antsy, but he refuses to let us continue with gift giving until me and Hikaru are finished."

Haruhi blew out a breath and nodded. Mori wisely chose that moment to step in front of them. "Quick," he said simply, staring at two boys wrestling.

"Mhm," Kaoru hummed, tilting Haruhi's chin up with his finger. "Hope Hikaru doesn't kill me too badly."

Haruhi didn't say anything, just sat and waited for him to kiss her. Leaning forward much like Hikaru had before, he let one hand grip the back of her head while the other rested on her shoulder, and slanted his mouth over hers. Haruhi's eyelids fluttered shut as he pressed his lips against hers almost insistently and leaned forward. Just as she began to press back, however, he pulled away.

Licking his lower lip, he winked at her. "I think I'm going to hang onto this," Kaoru said, dangling the plant in front of her eyes. "You know. For future use."

"You can do that after I've given her my present," Hikaru snapped from behind him, suspended in mid-air by the arm Mori had wrapped around his torso. "Goddamn it, now I have to play bottom next time we host."

Haruhi stared. "Is this how you two decide your roles? With bets?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Kaoru confessed.

"But don't worry," Hikaru continued, as Mori lowered him to the ground, Tamaki still in his grip. "You're the only one we ever bet on."

"Wonderful."

"My turn," Hikaru said, not even bothering to warn Haruhi before he swooped down and kissed her.

"No!" Tamaki shrieked, limbs flailing helplessly. "My fair maiden! My sweet goddess! She's been tainted not once, but twice, by these two scoundrels! Her purity shall not last against their philandering ways!"

Hikaru pulled away from Haruhi and fixed Tamaki with an annoyed look. "Are you _done_?"

Tamaki shrieked some more; Mori finally put him down and let him and Hikaru have it out. Kaoru helped Haruhi to her feet and walked with her over to Hunny, who was crouched near the Christmas tree, eyeing all the presents desperately.

"Hunny-san," Haruhi said, "you can open your gifts now. Hikaru and Kaoru have already given me mine."

"Really?" The shorter blond turned hopeful, watery eyes on her. "No more tackling?"

"Nope," Kaoru said, rubbing the back of his head absently. "Thank God."

"Yes!"

"You know," Kyoya piped up, eyes never moving from his laptop, "you should probably keep that mistletoe away from Tamaki."

"Yeah, I know," Kaoru waved him off, patting down his pockets. "It's right—"

"—Over there," Kyoya finished, pointing towards where the duo had just been. "In Tamaki's hands."

Haruhi stared at the ceiling. _I must be dead._

"Haruhiiiiiii!" Tamaki yelled, racing towards her. "Daddy also has a present for you!"

_I'm in Hell._

"What a coincidence!" Kaoru said pleasantly as Hikaru moved beside him. "So do we!"

Haruhi had to admit, the head punch they gave Tamaki rivalled one of her own, but she'd never tell them that out loud. While Tamaki simpered on the couch next to Kyoya, who mumbled something like 'idiot' under his breath and kept typing, the twins looked at her from over their shoulders and smirked.

_But maybe, _she thought as Hunny ripped through presents that were and were not his, Tamaki cried, Kyoya ignored, Mori smiled and the twins wrapped themselves around her in a mass of tangled limbs, _maybe it's not so bad._

"So now that we've kissed you," Hikaru mused, Kaoru's lips brushing her neck, "does that mean you'll finally share a bed with us?"

Haruhi punched them both in the head.

_Never mind. _


End file.
